I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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