Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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