Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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