non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
