Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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