You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This house was built for laser tag.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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