there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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