Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
