Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
