I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
