So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
