I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
