Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
