Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.