Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.