I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
