i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
