I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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