Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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