god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
