OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
