we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
