watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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