M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
