I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
