Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
