I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
