I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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