Girls should come with a carfax report
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
