Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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