Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
