my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
