I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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