i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
