I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
