I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
