I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize