I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
