there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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