Umm I'm too high to move.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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