A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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