My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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