I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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