i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
