You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
