I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
did you just send me my own nude
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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