me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
