paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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