just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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