I think I won the penis lottery.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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