Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Drunk is not a location!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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