Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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