smell my finger.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
