I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
