So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
