I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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