Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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