I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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