I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Damn victory sex feels great
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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