pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
